I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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