i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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