Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
