I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
