id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just want nice things and good sex
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
