My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
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