On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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