Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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