I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
