I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
