I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
