We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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