She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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