Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
