i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
