Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
