Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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