You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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