I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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