Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
