Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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