My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
