My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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