Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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