We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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