I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
