The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
