how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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