So drunk its hurt
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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