Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
whose parrot is this?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
