i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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