the condom got lost in my hair
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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