U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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