This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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