just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize