At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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