What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
