I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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