Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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