i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
