Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
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After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
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they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I touched a dick in church today
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
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