Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
