Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
