In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
