my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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