speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
