Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
