I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
