i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
