Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
