Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I think i peed on brittanys purse
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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