She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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