Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
