I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I faked an abortion last night.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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