Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
